The “I’m Fine” Tax Is Coming Due

Q: “I’m 38, married, have two kids, and I’m basically the household’s unpaid IT department, chauffeur, and guy who knows where the batteries are. I’m not depressed, I don’t think. I just feel permanently irritated. My wife asks what’s wrong and I say ‘nothing,’ then I spend 45 minutes watching videos about people restoring rusty lawnmowers. Is this normal, or am I becoming a human screensaver?”

You may not be depressed. You may be overloaded, under-rested, and emotionally constipated. Those things can coexist, and none of them become less real because you can still make jokes at dinner.

The “nothing” answer is doing damage, though. Your wife hears: “You’re not safe to talk to.” You may mean: “I don’t have the words and I’m afraid this turns into a three-hour argument.” Intent is not magic. Yeah, that part is on you.

Try a less dramatic, more accurate sentence: “I’m not mad at you. I’m running on fumes, and I’ve been hiding in my phone because I don’t know how to come down.” That gives her information without handing her a mystery novel. Also, if irritability, numbness, sleep problems, hopelessness, or loss of interest have lasted two weeks or more, talk with a doctor or mental-health professional. Men often report anger and withdrawal instead of sadness, and “I’m functioning” is not the same as “I’m doing well.”

Q: “I started lifting again after about five years off. The first week felt great, so I did four hard workouts, added running, cut carbs, and announced to my friends that I was ‘locked in.’ Now my shoulder hurts, I’m exhausted, and I’ve eaten half a loaf of bread over the sink. Why do I always turn getting healthier into a punishment ritual?”

Because punishment feels more convincing than patience. It gives you a clean story: old you was lazy, new you is suffering nobly. Unfortunately, tendons do not care about your character arc.

Research on exercise adherence consistently favors manageable routines over heroic bursts. Start with two or three strength sessions per week, leave a couple of repetitions in reserve, and increase either weight, volume, or frequency—not all three in the same week. Eat enough protein and carbohydrates to support training. Bread is not a moral failure; it is bread, and apparently you were hungry.

Pain that changes your movement, gets worse during ordinary activity, or lingers deserves evaluation by a clinician. Don’t “test it” with one more heavy set. That is not grit. That is filing paperwork for a longer injury.

Your one move today: tell one person, out loud, “I’m overloaded and I need 30 minutes tonight with no responsibilities,” then actually take the 30 minutes without using it to scroll through lawnmower videos.