The Group Chat, the Stolen Credit, and Other Small Daily Crimes

Dear Darla,

My husband’s family has a group chat that started as a way to share holiday plans and has become a 24-hour surveillance operation. His mother comments if I don’t answer quickly, his sister sends “Just checking!!!” if I miss a brunch, and his aunt recently texted, “Some people are very busy, I guess,” because I didn’t respond to a photo of a casserole.

I muted the chat, but now my husband says I’m being rude and “making things harder.” I don’t want to leave because that will become an international incident. How do I stop being managed by people who think a thumbs-up is a legally binding promise?

—Digitally Cornered

Dear Digitally Cornered,

You are not required to provide live customer support to your in-laws. Mute the chat, check it once a day, and answer only messages that actually require an answer. “Looks delicious!” is not a summons.

Your husband needs to handle his family instead of deputizing you as the relationship secretary. Tell him plainly: “I’m staying in the chat, but I’m not monitoring it. If your family needs an immediate response, they should contact you.” Then stick to it. If his mother sends a guilt-laced follow-up, don’t explain, defend, or write a three-paragraph legal brief. Ignore it or say, “I’m not always checking messages.” The horror.

Next time someone complains, have your husband respond: “She’s busy and doesn’t need to answer every message.” That sentence will cost him approximately twelve seconds and may save you years of casserole-related resentment.

Dear Darla,

I work on a small team, and my coworker “Megan” has started presenting my ideas as hers. I’ll suggest a solution in a meeting, everyone moves on, and then Megan emails the boss later saying, “I’ve been thinking about a way we could…” and repeats my idea with nicer formatting. I’ve complained to two coworkers, who agree she’s awful, but I haven’t said anything to my manager because I don’t want to sound petty.

Last week she got praised for a project based almost entirely on my proposal. Do I confront her, go to my manager, or start wearing a name tag that says I SAID THAT FIRST?

—The Uncredited Ghostwriter

Dear Ghostwriter,

Stop collecting witnesses and start creating records. Your coworkers’ sympathy is nice, but it won’t help at review time.

After meetings, send a short recap email: “To summarize, I’ll draft the proposed solution we discussed, including A, B, and C. Megan, you’ll handle the timeline.” Keep your tone boring and factual. In the next meeting, say, “Building on the approach I proposed last week…” You are not being petty; you are attaching your name to your work before someone else slaps theirs on it.

You should also tell your manager, privately and without calling Megan a thief. Bring three specific examples, with dates and emails, and say: “I want to make sure my contributions are visible and properly attributed. Here are a few instances where my proposal was later presented without my involvement.” That is professional. It is also much harder to dismiss than “Megan is driving me insane,” even if both statements are true.

Your one step today: send a written recap after your next meeting, and put your name directly on the work.

Have a problem with relatives, coworkers, neighbors, or the people who use “per my last email” as a weapon? Write to Darla.