The Group Chat, the Office Crush, and Other Tiny Social Disasters

Dear Darla,

My family group chat started as a way to share pictures of my niece and has become a 24-hour emergency broadcast system. My aunt sends five-minute voice messages about politics, my brother responds with thumbs-up emojis to everything, and my mother keeps asking why I “hate the family” when I don’t answer immediately. I muted it, but now I’m being accused of being cold and dramatic. I love these people. I just don’t want my phone buzzing at 6:12 a.m. because someone found a suspicious casserole recipe online. How do I leave without causing a family incident?

—Mara

Dear Mara,

You don’t need to leave. You need to stop treating a group chat like a summons from a judge.

Keep it muted. Check it once or twice a day when you actually have the bandwidth. If your mother complains, say: “I love you, and I’m not available for constant texting. I’ll check the chat in the evening.” Then repeat that sentence without adding a courtroom defense of your character.

Your family is allowed to dislike your boundary. They are not entitled to unlimited access to your attention. Also, nobody has ever repaired a family relationship by replying “Wow!” to a 47-message argument about air fryers.

Today, send one calm message explaining your new response schedule, then mute the chat again.

Dear Darla,

I started seeing a man from my department. We agreed to keep it casual and private, which apparently means he flirts with me at work, disappears for three days, then sends “u up?” at 11:48 p.m. He also acts weird if I talk to another male colleague, despite insisting we’re “not a thing.” Last week he called me jealous because I asked whether he was dating someone else. I’m embarrassed because I’m 34 and feel like I’m participating in a terrible television show. Should I confront him or just fade out?

—Nina

Dear Nina,

Yeah, that’s on you—but only because you’re still negotiating with a man whose entire relationship plan is “keep Nina available and confused.”

You don’t need a confrontation worthy of a courtroom drama. You need one clear sentence: “This arrangement isn’t working for me, so I’m ending the personal part and keeping things professional.” Then do exactly that. No late-night replies, no hallway autopsies of his feelings, no accepting “I miss you” as a substitute for consistency.

Because you work together, be polite and boring. Boring is your friend here. Save any inappropriate messages, avoid being alone with him if he becomes hostile, and involve a manager or HR if he retaliates or makes work uncomfortable. Dating a coworker is not automatically foolish. Continuing after the facts have become a marching band is.

Send the ending text during business hours, not at midnight when your judgment is wearing pajamas.

Have a mess you can’t untangle? Write to Dear Darla. I’ll bring the flashlight.