My Kid's Teacher Thinks I'm the Problem (She Might Be Right)

Dear Mama Mae,

My 7-year-old's teacher called me AGAIN about his "attitude problems" and "not listening." She said he's defiant and distracting other kids. Here's the thing — he's fine at home. He listens to me, he's sweet with his sister, he does his chores. His teacher keeps saying I need to "reinforce expectations" but I think she's just not connecting with him. He had a different teacher last year who didn't have this problem. I'm starting to think it's a teacher issue, not a kid issue. Am I wrong?

— Frustrated Parent

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Mama Mae Says:

Yeah. You're wrong. Not entirely, but on the main thing.

Listen, I get it. Your kid IS fine at home. He listens, he does chores, he's sweet. That's great parenting showing up there. But here's what I learned raising four kids: children are absolutely capable of behaving one way in one place and completely different in another. That doesn't mean the teacher is making it up. It means your son has figured out that home and school require different behaviors — and right now, he's chosen to test boundaries at school.

Why? Could be the teacher. Could be peer stuff. Could be he's figured out that school has fewer consequences than home does. Most likely? It's some combination.

But here's what matters: two adults are now telling you the same thing. That's not a coincidence. When my oldest was in third grade, his teacher said similar stuff, and I did what you're doing — I defended him, blamed the teacher, assumed she wasn't his "person." You know what happened? Fourth grade teacher said the same thing. And fifth grade teacher. By then, I finally got it: I wasn't seeing the whole picture. At home, I was managing him closely, redirecting him, staying on top of things. At school, he had to manage himself around 25 other kids, and he wasn't there yet.

The teacher isn't your enemy. She's giving you information. She's basically saying, "Your kid can do better here, and here's where he's struggling." That's a gift.

Now, about her being a bad fit — maybe. Some teachers are genuinely better with certain kids. But "better" usually means they're stricter, not looser. Kids who test limits often need clearer ones, not softer ones.

Here's what needs to happen: You need to partner with this teacher instead of defending against her. Ask her specifically: What does defiance look like? When does he not listen? What does he do that distracts others? Get concrete. Then go home and practice those exact situations. Practice listening the first time. Practice when he doesn't want to. Make it a game, make it real, but make it happen.

Your one thing this week: Email the teacher and ask to meet — not to argue, but to ask: "What's one specific behavior I can work on with him at home that would help most?" Then actually do that thing for two weeks straight before you decide if it's a teacher problem.

Your kid isn't broken. But he might need you to see what the teacher is seeing.