My Husband Won't Stop Texting His Ex—And He Doesn't Think It's a Problem

DEAR VERA,

My husband and I have been married 4 years. He has two kids from his first marriage. Here's the thing: he texts his ex constantly. Not about the kids. Memes, inside jokes, complaints about work, questions about his new job. Last week she sent him a selfie with a caption that said "missing your laugh." I found it when he left his phone on the counter.

When I brought it up, he got defensive. He said I was being insecure and that they're friends now, that co-parenting is easier when you actually like each other. He said I don't want him to have a relationship with her because I'm threatened. I'm not threatened—I'm hurt. I feel like there's someone else in our marriage and he won't admit it.

He thinks I'm crazy for asking him to set a boundary. Am I?

—Stuck Between Two Women

---

You're not crazy. But you also need to hear this: you married a man who has a life with someone else, and that's not going away.

Here's what's actually happening—and it's not what your husband is saying. Co-parenting doesn't require memes at midnight and selfies with "missing your laugh" captions. That's not logistics. That's intimacy. Your husband knows the difference; he's just not admitting it to himself.

But here's the thing you need to own: you knew he had an ex when you married him. You knew they had kids together. You made a choice to build a life with a man whose first marriage didn't disappear. That was the deal. What you *didn't* agree to—and what's actually fair to expect—is that he maintain appropriate boundaries with her.

The boundary isn't "don't talk to your ex." The boundary is: "Your communication with her should look like communication with a co-parent, not a close friend. That means it's about schedules, school events, and kid stuff. Not memes. Not selfies. Not emotional support that should come from me."

His defensiveness is telling. He called you insecure instead of saying, "I hear you, and I'll pull back." That's not a co-parenting problem. That's a respect problem. He's more interested in being right than in making you feel secure in your marriage.

The tricky part? You can't make him see that. He has to want to. What you *can* do is get really clear about what you need and what you're willing to tolerate. "Friendly exes" is great in theory. But there's a difference between "we're civil" and "we're texting at midnight." One is healthy. One is a slow affair.

Stop arguing about whether it's appropriate. He already knows. Instead, tell him: "I need you to show me through your actions that our marriage is the primary relationship in your life. Right now, I don't feel that. Here's what that looks like to me..." Then be specific. No late-night texting. Memes don't come from her. Selfies stop.

If he won't do it, you have a different problem than his ex. You have a husband who won't prioritize you.

Your one move: Schedule a real conversation—not in anger, not during an argument. Tell him you want to talk about boundaries that make the marriage work, and ask him to listen without getting defensive. If he won't do that, consider couples therapy. Not to save the friendship with his ex. To save your marriage.