My Boyfriend Won't Stop Texting His Ex—And She Won't Stop Replying

Dear Darla,

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. He stayed friends with his ex after they broke up five years ago. I was fine with it at first—I'm not the jealous type. But over the last six months, things have gotten weird. She texts him constantly. Memes, life updates, photos of her new apartment (including a lot of bathroom mirror selfies). He always responds right away. When I mentioned it bothers me, he said I'm being insecure and that I should trust him. He's right that I trust him, but I don't trust her. Am I crazy for thinking this is inappropriate?

—Morgan

Dear Morgan,

You're not crazy. You're also not the problem here, even though it might feel that way.

Here's the thing: your boyfriend is doing the classic move of reframing your boundary as your insecurity. "You should trust me" is a non-answer to "I'm uncomfortable with this pattern." Those are two different conversations, and he's purposely mixing them up.

Trust isn't the issue. You can trust that your boyfriend isn't currently cheating and still think it's disrespectful for him to maintain an enthusiastic texting relationship with someone who's clearly keeping a door open. The bathroom selfies aren't accidental. The constant messaging isn't accidental. She's signaling interest, and he's responding eagerly enough that you've noticed. That matters.

The real question isn't whether you trust him—it's whether he respects you. And right now, he's showing you he doesn't, because he's prioritizing her feelings over yours. He gets to keep the ego boost of her attention, get to feel like the good guy ("I'm not one of those guys who cuts off exes"), and also get to call you insecure when you push back. That's a pretty sweet deal for him.

You need to stop framing this as "am I being crazy?" and start framing it as "this makes me uncomfortable and I need it to change." Not because you don't trust him, but because in a committed relationship, you don't maintain constant flirtation-adjacent contact with exes while your partner watches. That's not trust—that's just disrespect with better branding.

He's going to push back. He'll say you're trying to control him, that friendship is important, that you're being unreasonable. Ignore all of it. Stay calm and stay firm: "I'm not asking you to never talk to her. I'm asking you to set a boundary that reflects that you're in a relationship with me, not her."

If he won't do that? That's information you need.

Your next move: Have this conversation once, clearly, without anger. Tell him exactly what needs to change (less frequent texting, no late-night messages, no photos). If he refuses or if the behavior continues after a reasonable amount of time, you have your answer about how much your comfort matters to him.

—Darla

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