My Boyfriend Won't Stop Texting His Ex—And She Keeps Responding

Dear Darla,

My boyfriend and I have been together two years. He's still texting his ex-girlfriend regularly—like, multiple times a week. He says they ended on good terms and are genuinely just friends now. When I brought it up, he got defensive and said I was being insecure and controlling. But here's the thing: she texts him random memes and funny videos late at night. Last week she sent him a photo of herself at the beach and said, "Remember when we used to go here?" I feel crazy for being bothered by this, but I'm bothered.

Am I being unreasonable?

—Unsure in Utah

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Dear Unsure,

No. You're not being unreasonable, and you're not being insecure. You're being smart.

Here's the thing about the "we're just friends" defense: it can be true. Some exes genuinely become friends. But that's not what's happening here. A friend doesn't send late-night memes and nostalgic beach photos. A friend doesn't keep the door cracked open like that. She's maintaining an option. Whether your boyfriend knows it consciously or not, he's allowing it.

And when you expressed a legitimate boundary, he shut you down by calling you insecure. That's a move. It's designed to make you question yourself instead of examining his behavior. Classic deflection.

Here's what I'd bet money on: if you were texting an ex like this, he'd have a problem with it. The double standard exists, which means he knows this isn't actually about friendship.

You have two choices. The first is to decide you're okay with this dynamic and stop mentioning it—but that's marriage-length resentment brewing. The second is to have a conversation that isn't about your feelings (he'll just call you insecure again) but about boundaries and what you need in a partnership.

Don't frame it as "stop talking to your ex." Frame it as: "I need us to have the same standards for appropriate contact with exes. If that's staying in touch, fine—but it needs to look the same for both of us, and it needs to respect our relationship." If he won't do that, you have your answer about how much he values your peace of mind. And that's not insecurity talking. That's data.

One actionable step: before you have this conversation, decide what you actually need. Not what sounds reasonable—what you *need*. Is it zero contact? Limited contact? Him setting his own boundaries with her? Get clear on that first. Then tell him. See what he does.

You deserve someone who doesn't make you feel crazy for having standards.

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