My Partner Won't Stop Texting His Ex—and He Doesn't See the Problem

Dear Darla,

My boyfriend of three years texts his ex-girlfriend regularly. Like, multiple times a week. They broke up five years ago, and he says they're "just friends now" and that I'm being insecure if it bothers me. He gets defensive when I bring it up, tells me I'm trying to control him, and says I should trust him. The thing is, I DO trust him—I just don't like that he talks to her more than he talks to his own mother. Am I crazy? Should I just get over it?

—Stuck in the Middle

Dear Stuck,

You're not crazy, and you're also not the problem here. Let me be clear about what's actually happening: Your boyfriend is maintaining an ongoing emotional connection to his ex while telling you that your reasonable discomfort makes YOU the unreasonable one. That's a move. That's a choice.

Here's the thing about "just friends" with an ex: Sometimes it's true. Sometimes people genuinely move on, build real friendship, and it's healthy. But the tell isn't whether they're in contact. The tell is whether your current partner is *honest about what that contact means* and *respectful of your feelings about it*.

Your boyfriend isn't doing either. He's not saying, "Yeah, I text her a lot, and here's why that matters to me, and here's how we can make you feel secure." He's saying, "You're insecure and controlling." That's dismissal dressed up as philosophy.

The "you should trust me" argument is also incomplete. Trust isn't about believing he won't cheat. Trust is about believing he'll consider your feelings and work with you. He's not doing that. He's choosing the path of least resistance, which is shutting down the conversation by making you the problem.

Here's what I think: This isn't about whether he texts her. It's about whether he respects you enough to have a real conversation about it. He doesn't get to unilaterally decide that your discomfort is invalid just because it's inconvenient for him.

You have three options. (1) Accept it and stop bringing it up—which means swallowing your feelings indefinitely. (2) Break up. (3) Have ONE more conversation, but differently this time.

For option three: Don't defend your feelings or ask permission to have them. Say this: "I need to talk about something that isn't negotiable for me. I'm not comfortable with the frequency and closeness of your communication with your ex. I'm not asking you to cut contact, but I need you to take my concern seriously and work with me on this—not dismiss me as insecure. If you can't do that, we have a bigger problem than the texts."

Then listen to what he does, not what he says. If he gets defensive again, you have your answer.

One actionable step: Before you have that conversation, decide what you actually need (reduced contact? transparency? a real conversation?). Write it down. Don't go in fuzzy.

—Darla

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