The Group Chat, the Office Crush, and Other Ways We Make Life Harder

Dear Darla,

My friends have a group chat without me. I know because one of them accidentally sent me a screenshot where the top of the screen showed a chat called “Girls + Sam,” and I am not Sam. I’m embarrassed that I noticed, more embarrassed that I stared at it, and now I’m doing detective work like a divorced FBI agent. These are people I’ve known for years. We see each other regularly, but I’m always the one making plans. Do I ask about the secret chat, or quietly back away?

Dear Lena,

Ask once, calmly, and don’t make them perform a courtroom defense. Say, “I saw the group chat, and I felt left out. Is there something going on between us?” Then listen to the answer instead of arguing with it.

Maybe it’s a smaller chat for a specific trip or hobby. Maybe they’re discussing a surprise. Or maybe you’ve been demoted from the inner circle and nobody had the decency to tell you. That last possibility hurts, but it is useful information. The bigger problem is not the chat; it’s that you already feel like the unpaid activities director of this friendship.

Do not campaign for membership. Friendship is not a nightclub with a velvet rope. Make the conversation, watch their behavior, and if you keep having to chase them, stop chasing. Your next step: send one honest message today, then make no further plans for two weeks.

Dear Darla,

I started dating a man from my department three months ago. At work, we agreed to keep it private, which was sensible. Outside work, he is affectionate and talks about taking a weekend trip together. But he refuses to call me his girlfriend because “labels create pressure.” Last week, I saw him swipe away a dating-app notification while we were eating dinner. He said it was old, then changed the subject to the fries. I like him, but I also enjoy having basic information. Am I being dramatic?

Dear Priya,

No. You are being observant, which is different from dramatic. “No labels” plus active dating-app notifications usually means “I want the benefits of closeness without agreeing to exclusivity.” That arrangement is fine only if you want it too. You clearly do not.

Also, keeping a workplace romance private is sensible; keeping it vague is not the same thing. Ask directly: “Are you dating anyone else, and do you want an exclusive relationship with me?” Then believe the answer, including the evasive parts. If he says he doesn’t know, that is a no for now—not a mysterious romantic puzzle you can solve with better snacks.

Your next step: have that conversation before making any weekend plans, and if he won’t give you a clear answer, end the outside-work relationship and keep things polite and professional.

Have a mess of your own? Write to Dear Darla.