The Chore Chart Won’t Save Your Marriage, But This Might

Question: My husband says I’m “keeping score” because I get irritated when he leaves dishes in the sink. But I’m not mad about one plate. I’m mad that I notice everything: the low toilet paper, the permission slip, the birthday gift for his mother. If I stop doing it, it simply does not happen. Then he says I should have asked.

Answer: “You should have asked” is often the mating call of a person who wants to remain the assistant in their own household. You are not his manager, and he is not doing you a favor by completing assigned tasks after receiving a detailed briefing.

That said, if you’ve been silently collecting evidence for three years and exploding over a wet towel, yeah, that part is on you. Stop hoping he’ll notice your suffering and start naming the actual division of labor. Make a full list together—not just chores, but planning, remembering, and follow-up. Then divide ownership, not errands. If he owns school forms, he owns the calendar and the consequences too.

Question: I’m 36, divorced, and dating a man who is wonderful except he still texts his ex-wife constantly. They share a dog, but the messages are not about the dog. It’s jokes, old memories, “hope your meeting went well.” He says I’m insecure. I say I don’t want to audition for a role in a marriage that already exists.

Answer: You don’t need to prove he’s cheating to decide this arrangement makes you miserable. Some divorced people build a warm, overly intimate friendship with an ex because the marriage ended but the attachment didn’t. That may be understandable. It is not automatically acceptable to a new partner.

Don’t demand a dramatic digital exorcism. Ask a cleaner question: Is he willing to create boundaries that make room for a serious relationship with you? If his answer is “you’re insecure,” he has skipped the question and criticized your character instead. Pay attention. A man can have a friendly ex and still be a good partner; he cannot make you feel like the third wheel and call that your personal defect.

Question: My girlfriend’s 12-year-old son is rude to me, and she tells me to be patient because he’s adjusting. I’ve been in their lives for two years. He ignores me, rolls his eyes, and once said, “You’re not my dad, so stop pretending.” I want to move in, but I’m starting to dread being in the same room with him.

Answer: The child is allowed to dislike the situation. He is not allowed to run the household through contempt. Your girlfriend needs to handle discipline; you should not try to become Dad, and you also should not accept being treated like a coat rack with a credit card.

Before moving in, agree on house rules, consequences, privacy, money, and your exact role. If she expects you to provide adult authority without giving you any authority, that’s a rigged game. Do not move in until she demonstrates—through consistent action, not a heartfelt speech—that she can protect both her son’s feelings and your basic dignity.

Your actionable step: Have one 30-minute conversation this week using the sentence, “Here is what I can live with, and here is what I can’t,” then listen closely to whether the other person discusses solutions or merely explains why your feelings are inconvenient.