My Kid's Teacher Said He's "Spirited." I Think She Means He's a Nightmare.

Dear Mama Mae,

My son is 7 and his teacher keeps using the word "spirited" when we talk about his behavior at school. Last week she sent home a note about him arguing with her during math, refusing to do his work, and "disrupting the learning environment" for other kids. My husband and I think she just doesn't understand his personality. He's creative and energetic at home — she should appreciate that instead of trying to make him sit still and comply. Are teachers too rigid these days?

—Frustrated in Nebraska

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Here's the thing, honey: when a teacher uses the word "spirited," she's being kind. What she's really saying is your kid's behavior is a problem, and she's giving you the gentle version so you'll actually listen instead of getting defensive.

Which you kind of did anyway, didn't you?

Look, I get it. Our kids are amazing. Mine could talk the ears off a corn stalk and I thought it was delightful until his third-grade teacher gently suggested we work on "listening skills" and "waiting his turn." Spoiler alert: she was right. Being creative and energetic is wonderful. Being unable to follow instructions and arguing with adults is a problem — not just for the teacher, but for your son.

Here's what's really happening: Teachers aren't trying to squeeze creativity out of kids. They're trying to teach 20-something other kids at the same time while your one kid is arguing about math. That's not rigidity; that's just math class. It has to happen, and nobody else gets to derail it.

The harder conversation is this — and I say this with love — when a teacher is seeing behavior problems that you're not seeing at home, that usually means one of two things. Either he can behave but won't at school (which means he's learned he can push boundaries there), or the structure at home is so different from school that he hasn't learned to adjust yet. Both of those? That's on you to fix, not on her to accept.

Arguing with teachers. Refusing work. That's not a personality quirk. That's a kid who hasn't learned that some people are in charge and some people aren't, and when you're in their space, you follow their rules. That's not creativity being crushed — that's growing up.

Your son probably is wonderful and creative. And he can still need to learn how to work with authority figures. Those things aren't mutually exclusive.

Here's your one thing: Stop defending the behavior and start asking your son's teacher specific questions. "What does he do when you ask him to do something? What happens when he argues? Can you show me what compliance looks like from your perspective?" Then take that information and practice it at home. Not punishment — practice. "The teacher asked you to do math. Let's practice what that sounds like when you say yes the first time."

You might be surprised what changes when you're actually working with the teacher instead of working against her.