My Partner Won't Stop Texting His Ex, and He Says I'm Controlling

Dear Darla,

My boyfriend of three years and I are really solid—or we were until I found out he's been texting his ex-girlfriend regularly. Not like, "happy birthday" texts. We're talking late-night conversations where she asks how he's doing, sends him memes, checks in about his day. When I asked him to stop, he said I was being controlling and insecure, and that I should trust him. He says they're just friends and that me wanting him to cut contact makes me jealous and immature. Now I feel like the bad guy. Am I?

—Sarah

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Dear Sarah,

You're not the bad guy. But I'm also going to tell you something harder: you're not going to like his answer to this, and that matters.

Here's the thing about "we're just friends" with an ex—it's not actually the core issue. The core issue is that he was defensive instead of honest. A partner who respects you doesn't call you controlling when you express a boundary you need. He listens, he asks why, and then you two *actually talk*. That conversation didn't happen. Instead, he shut you down and made you the problem. That's the red flag, not the texting itself.

Do exes become genuine friends? Sometimes, sure. But that requires actual distance first—months, often years—and it requires both people being transparent about it. Midnight check-ins where she's asking how he's doing sounds less like "we bonded over book recommendations" and more like she still has a thing, or he's still giving her reason to. Either way, he knows you're uncomfortable and he's choosing to keep doing it anyway.

The "you should trust me" line is also classic deflection. Trust isn't the issue. The issue is: *I've told you this bothers me, and you're not taking that seriously.* Those are two different things.

You need to have one more conversation with him—not about whether the ex is evil or whether they should be friends. That's not winnable. Instead: "When I told you this made me uncomfortable, you called me controlling instead of listening to me. That hurt, and it matters more than the texting. I need to know you take my feelings seriously, even when you disagree with them. What do you want to do?"

If he gets defensive again, or doubles down on the "you're insecure" narrative, you have your answer. He's picked being right over being in partnership with you. And you can't fix that.

If he actually listens and says something like "you're right, I shut you down," then you two can work out what boundaries actually feel good to both of you.

Your next step: Don't argue about the ex. Have the real conversation about him dismissing you. Pay attention to how he responds.

—Darla

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Dear Darla,

My mother-in-law keeps showing up at my house unannounced. Not emergencies—just popping by with groceries or to "check on things." My husband thinks it's sweet. I think it's invasive. He says his family has always done this and I'm being unwelcoming. How do I set a boundary without creating drama?

—Marcus

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Dear Marcus,

You're not going to avoid drama by being nice about it. You're only going to avoid drama by being clear with your husband first, separately from his mom.

Tell him: "Your mom showing up unannounced stresses me out. I need a home where I can be myself without warning. Her family tradition is fine for her house. This is our house. I need her to call first." Not angry. Not negotiable. Just stated.

If he pushes back, that's your real problem—and it's with him, not her. She's doing what she's always done. *He's* allowing it in a space you share.

Once you two are aligned, have him text her: "Hey mom, we love seeing you, but we'd love if you could text first so we can make sure we're home and have time to catch up properly." She'll either accept it or test it. If she tests it, don't answer the door. Not mean—just locked. Eventually the pattern changes.

Your next step: Talk to your husband alone this week. Make it about *your* need for a predictable home, not about his mom being annoying.

—Darla

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