The Guy Who Texts His Ex at 2 a.m. (And Why He Keeps Doing It)

Q: I'm a 34-year-old divorced dad. We split three years ago, and it's been mostly fine. But every few months, usually late at night after a drink or two, I text my ex something—a memory, a joke about the kids, sometimes just "hey, how are you?" She doesn't respond anymore, which honestly makes it worse because then I feel like an idiot the next morning. My current girlfriend knows this happens and hates it. I hate it too. But I can't seem to stop. What's wrong with me?

Nothing's wrong with you. You're just lonely in a specific way, and you're using your ex as a band-aid for it.

Here's the thing: late-night texts to an ex aren't really about missing that person. They're about missing the identity you had when you were with them. You were someone's husband. Someone's daily priority. Now you're someone's dad and someone's boyfriend—both real, both good—but there's a version of you that doesn't exist anymore, and your brain occasionally wants to resurrect it. The 2 a.m. text is you trying to access that old file.

The alcohol helps because it gives you permission to bypass the part of your brain that knows this is a bad idea. Booze doesn't create the impulse; it just removes the stop sign.

Here's what you already know: this hurts your current relationship and makes you feel worse the next morning. It's also unfair to your ex, who's probably trying to move on and keeps getting reminded that you haven't. You're not a bad person for doing it, but yeah, at 34, you have the tools to stop. This is on you.

The real work isn't about resisting the urge. It's about understanding what you're actually missing and finding a better way to access it. Sometimes it's connection. Sometimes it's feeling wanted. Sometimes it's just the absence of being alone in your own head at midnight.

Your girlfriend is the person you should be having those 2 a.m. conversations with—the vulnerable, messy ones. Not your ex. But that requires you to be honest with her about what's happening in your head, which is scarier than texting someone who won't text back.

The divorce is real. The loss of that identity is real. But staying tethered to your ex through late-night messages isn't honoring that loss—it's avoiding it. And it's punishing everyone involved, including you.

One thing this week: The next time you feel the urge to text your ex late at night, text your girlfriend instead. Tell her exactly what you're feeling—that you're missing something about who you used to be, that you feel alone, whatever it is. Not to make her save you. Just to tell the truth to someone who's actually in your life. Do that three times before you let yourself text your ex again. See what happens.