My Husband Won't Stop Texting His Ex—And I'm Losing My Mind

Dear Vera,

My husband and I have been married three years. Recently I found out he's been texting his ex-girlfriend pretty regularly—like, multiple times a week. Nothing explicit, but they're sharing memes, asking about each other's days, and he calls her by a nickname he used to use when they were dating. When I brought it up, he got defensive and said I was being insecure and controlling. He said they're "just friends" and that I need to get over it. I trust him (I think?), but something feels really wrong here. Am I crazy?

—Unsettled in Raleigh

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You're not crazy. But you might be looking at the wrong problem.

Here's the thing: your husband might actually believe they're "just friends." People are excellent at convincing themselves of things that let them avoid difficult conversations. The nickname, the frequency, the inside jokes—none of that has to be sexual to be a problem. What matters is that you told him you felt uncomfortable, and his response was to shut you down and call you insecure.

That's the real issue. Not the texts. The dismissal.

I've watched a lot of marriages survive contact with exes. I've also watched a lot survive a lot worse. The couples that make it are the ones who can say, "Your feelings matter to me, even if I don't fully understand them." Your husband said the opposite. He decided his relationship with his ex was worth defending more than your peace of mind was worth investigating.

Now, let's talk about you for a second: you said you trust him "I think?" That question mark is doing a lot of work. You don't sound unsure because he's texting an ex. You sound unsure because he responded to your vulnerability by making you the bad guy. That's gaslighting-adjacent, whether he meant it to be or not.

Here's what I know: some people can have healthy friendships with exes. Some people cannot. Most people fall somewhere in the middle, where it's possible but requires clear boundaries and constant communication with a partner. Your husband skipped all of that and went straight to "you're being controlling."

This isn't about whether the friendship itself is appropriate. It's about whether your husband can hear you when something hurts, and whether he's willing to adjust his behavior—not for her, but for you. That's marriage.

What you actually need to know: Does he care more about proving you wrong or about making you feel secure? Because those are your two futures.

Your one actionable step: Don't bring up the ex again yet. Instead, tell him you need to have a bigger conversation about how he responded when you raised a concern—not about whether he's right or wrong about the friendship, but about how he made you feel when you were vulnerable. If he can listen to that without getting defensive, you have something to work with. If he does it again, you have your answer.